Welcome To My Point of View

The power of three will set you free.

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 20:52:16 GMT

So , it has been a while since I have been on here. A lot has beengoing on. I have joined myyearbook and met a lot of new cool people.Some have become friends I talk to on a daily basis. One of which is aguy that has become very special to me. We started talking just asfriends because we have a lot of things in common. But about two weeksago, our conversations were getting more frequent and longer everytime. Then we swapped numbers so that we could text each other. We textall day every day. He calls me in the afternoon and usually we IM atnight. I am starting to really have feelings for him, and after a deepconvo we had a week ago, I know that he is feeling the same. Theproblem?????
He doesn't live around here. He is a good bit away. But we have fallenfor each other and there is nothing I can do about that. I like him,alot. I don't want to be hurt again, and so I am being cautious, butwhen you fall for someone, what can you do?

In other news, I go for my cat scan Monday. From there they will inputthe data into the cyberknife machine, and we will start getting set upto do the cyber knife.After that we will go back and try again on thetumor by my heart. So I will keep you posted on how all that goes.

Special message for aaroads I am going for a partial overnight stay at Waverly Hills Sanitarium in Ky. Im going Aug. 15th. Yay!!!!

That is all.

A new day, a new outlook on life

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:34:48 GMT

Ok, so I went in for my surgery today. They were placing gold balls around one tumor so that it can be treated later by laser radiation, and they were going to go in and burn off another one. Well they went in and place the balls, and that went fine. Then they went in to use the special tool to burn off the other one, only when they went in and opened the tool, it punctured a blood vessel and caused me to hemorrhage. So they fixed that and decided to try again in a month. There just wasn't a good visual for them after all the blood, so they prefer to wait. So, I get to do it again in about a month. Yay. (heavy on the sarcasam)

I want to thank everyone though for their kind words and their prayers. It was greatly appreciated and helped me to get through today. It also helped me to see that I will be fine when they go back to try again. Thank you all for supporting me and lifting me up when I needed it most.

"I am human and I need to be loved, just like everyone else does."

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 17:12:57 GMT

Well, only two days to go. I am still a little anxious about this upcoming surgery, but I am getting plenty of support from my friends.Even Corey messaged me to say that he was thinking of me and that he was sure it was going to be fine. That was really nice of him. I totally didn't expect that. Im not reading anything into it, cause what would be the point. I still have days like yesterday where I spent the whole night crying. Though they aren't everyday like they used to be.Last night I was reading through some of my poetry and that just made it worse. I even found one I wrote about him when he was still dating my friend back in high school. I will add that here shortly. I am trying to get my heart to understand that it is over between us and that it will stay that way. I think that perhaps after being single for soooo long, maybe he just wasn't ready to share his life with someone.Or perhaps it was too much for him to accept knowing that if he stayed with me he would never have kids of his own. I don't really know. I think that is what bothers me the most is not knowing exactly why he wants it to be permanent. I mean after the letters he wrote me and the things he said, and the journal entries that he posted, I don't understand how he could go from feeling that he wouldn't want to live his life without me, and thinking that I was the only person he has ever truly loved, to deciding that he didn't want to be with me anymore. It's the not knowing that wont let me move on. That and I still love him with everything inside of me. Anyway, here is a cut to that poem if anyone is interested.

Poem
Forbidden Love

I met you through my friend
And instantly I was attracted
But you were here boyfriend.

I had not seen you in awhile
And when I did you're still dating my friend
My face is free of a smile.

So much time has passed
And you are still two
But now I see it won't last.

She has done things to you
And hurt you so much
Yet you see it through.

Mistakes you can not fix
Holes you can not patch
Anger and sex don't mix.

If you leave her, not that you will
I have to stand and see you single
For she is my best friend still.

How bad it would hurt her
I can not speak of
Just know you'll always
Be forbidden love.

-Rs

So there it is. A poem about Corey from about 12 years ago. I came across it in my poetry book. Didn't realize it was in there. So I'm gonna go relax for awhile before my friends and I go out tonight. Just can't wait to cut loose and have fun and not worry about Monday. Have a good weekend everyone.

My Poetry

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 16:58:22 GMT

My Loss

The loss of you
Is tearing me apart
Ripping at the pieces
Of my broken heart.

I put on a front
And try not to show
The pain that still hurts
Blow by blow.

I can't just stop
Loving you
It will never be
Something I can do.

Such hurt and pain
That won't depart
Like millions of knives
Carving up my heart.

It's the little things
That start my tears
And bring to life
My greatest fears.

What if you don't
Change your mind
Has another chance
Already been declined?

How can you move on
So easily
Just wipe your hands
And be rid of me?

Some days I think
My heart wont heal
Or that this nightmare
Can't be real.

But it's really over
There's nothing I can do
Except sit here crying
Hopelessly in love with you.

-Rs

So many questions with no answers.

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 16:44:44 GMT

You would think that things would start to get easier by now, but they aren't. Im still sitting around crying my eyes out. When will it stop. When will my heart stop breaking? When will I stop missing him, his voice, his eyes, his touch? I feel like it will never get better. I can't let go. I don't know how. Im still in love with him so much it hurts. With surgery coming up, I wish he was here just to hold me and let me cry about it, and tell me it will all be ok. Will I ever stop wanting him? Will I ever be able to move on? I know I will never stop loving him, but will it ever stop hurting? I don't even have one last thing to remember him by. His gift to me for valentines day hadnt come in on time, and then like 5 days later we broke up. It would have been nice to have that from him. One last thing to remind me that he did love me. I know he did, I could see it in his eyes. I just wonder where it went. Where the urge to fight for us went. Where I stopped being worth the fight. I guess I will never know. And I will always love him. I just wish the tears would stop. Oh well. Monday will be here soon, and I guess I will go from there. I just don't know how.
Im sitting here listening to my playlist off of myspace, and I cant seem to stop the tears from running down my face. I miss him so much. I can't believe my heart still hurts this bad. I don't wanna go on with out him. When I told him that I couldn't imagine my life without him, I meant it. I dread getting up every morning, and I can't wait til it is time to crawl back into bed. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, and I know that I will never love anyone else. He was it for me. I still believe he is my soul mate, and without him I am empty. Incomplete. And broken.

Tired of Packing

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 07:08:26 GMT

It has been a long day today. Lots of packing and hauling shit. Moving boxes, carrying boxes, and emptying boxes. And it doesn't look like we have hardly packed a thing. There is way to much crap in this house!!! We got a lot of people coming tomorrow to help us move out all the furniture. We are getting a moving truck in the morning. So by the end of the weekend we will be living in our new house. Im kinda excited and very exhausted. Plus, besides the joy of moving, I have one week before surgery. I have to go Monday and get my pre-op blood work done. Joy. After tomorrow I won't have internet until the 6th. I am gonna go crazy!!!! No internet. What will I do? Guess I better log in some time tonight in between packing boxes. Whelp, that is it for my break, time to get back to work. Later.

In your dream did I get up in the middle of the night and Yak in your sink?

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 04:45:14 GMT

So, I got the call today. My surgery is scheduled for the 10th of March. Yeah, I know, that is really close. In the six years that I have been dealing with all of this I have never really been scared. Well Im scared now. I know it is a small percentage chance that I will die in this procedure, but if you look at my track record with this illness I have been in the small percentages of everything. If there was a minimal chance that something could happen with this particular type of tumor, it did. So, yeah, based on that track record, im scared. Guess there really isn't anything I can do about it though except pray for the best.

Surgery complications

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:20:35 GMT

I will be having surgery soon to try and destroy a couple of the larger tumors that are in my lungs. One of the procedures is fairly simple and I will be meeting with the doctor tomorrow to discuss it. The other procedure is not a simple as I thought it would be. I met with that doctor today. He explained the procedure and the possibilities of complications, none of which aren't fixable. Like it is more than likely that they will collapse my lung in the process, but in that case they insert a chest tube and re inflate it. But the procedure that he is doing will actually burn away the tumor at a very intense heat, the problem: that tumor is sitting almost up against my heart. If they burn any piece of my heart at all, it can kill me. Not really the news I was expecting to hear. The chance of that isn't real high, but he did say that the distance between my heart and the tumor is closer than he has had to deal with before, so it is a real possibility. Guess I can't catch a break. Anyway, he will be calling in the next day or two to tell me when the surgery will be. I will keep you posted.

That is all.

Update

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 22:31:43 GMT

As you know, it has been about a week since Corey and I took a break. I am still not dealing with it very well. It's hard to when you love someone as much as I love him. I feel like I have lost a part of me. I just feel so.......empty .... right now. I don't know how to get through this. Or if I can.I think it would be different if Corey and I didn't still love each other so damn much, but we do. Sometimes though, it doesn't matter how much you love someone, things just get off track. I have now been informed that it is a permanent decision, and I am learning how to deal with that. Learning how to try and pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. I don't know if I can. Songs are really getting to me too. Sad ones that I have added to my playlist, and others that make me remember the way things were. I still hurt so badly that sometimes I just wanna crawl in bed and pull the covers up over my head, but alas, I can't do that. I have to get up and try to function. Basically, get up, survive, go to bed. I don't know when my heart will stop breaking, and I seriously doubt it ever will. I love him with everything that I am, and all that I will ever be, but it just wasn't enough. There are things about me that are just my personality, and I can't change them. No matter how hard I try, or how much I want to. I was holding onto the hope that he will one day want to try and be together again, but we did talk a little the other night, and I know that that will not happen. So somehow I have to find a way to let go of that hope and to try and move forward with my life. Corey will always be locked in my heart and I know that I will love him forever. The question is not how do I get over him, because I never will, but rather, how do I survive him?

You can have it any way you like it, as long as it comes in a shot glass.

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 23:58:11 GMT

Well, my girls drug me out last night so I would stop moping around. I am so glad they did. We had an awesome time. Hell, the ride up to Annapolis was hysterical. lol. It had been awhile since I had been out to the bars, and I love listening to The Guthrie Matthews Method play. Guthrie was getting over a cold last night, but still sounded awesome. Jennifer and Heidi and I rode up together, and met up with Jeni and Katie. We had fun drinking and dancing and making fun of all the drunk men. lol. I got a little drunk in the beginning, but after eating I sobered up some. We had these guys that kept hitting on us that were like 50. Finally Jeni told the one guy to Shoo. I LMAO. Then towards the end of the night, I met this guy. His name is CJ. He is really sweet. We talked and danced the rest of the night. We swapped numbers before we left, and I ended up talking to him for most of my ride home and then until 4 in the morning. He called me this afternoon and he is gonna call again later tonight. I like him, and I am looking forward to getting to know him better. So that is all that's new. Later!!

It's a little too early

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 23:34:11 GMT

I have met a guy via myspace, and he seems really nice. He has made it obvious that he is interested, and I have told him I just became single, so Im not looking in that direction yet. The cool thing is that he understands and is ok with just chatting with me and getting to know each other. We have been talking for 2 days, and he is nice. I think he could be a good friend. I don't know that I will be ready to start another relationship anytime soon, but he is patient and understands that I need time. I will be sure to keep you posted and let you know how everything goes.

My trip to Sinai got postponed cause of the snow and my son not having school. But no biggie. This first appt. is just to meet and discuss the procedures, and set up dates to begin. So I will be going in the first week of March. Hopefully that will also give me enough time to get moved and start unpacking before I am too sore to do it.

So that is all that is new right now. But Im sure I will be back soon!!!

Final Thoughts For Corey

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 09:14:17 GMT

I use my poetry to get through things, or to express things I can't say any other way. So knowing now that it must be over, I ask that Corey will please read these last words dedicated to him.

MY FAULT

My eyes have cried
For three days straight
Red, puffy, and swollen
Is my new common trait.

Even as I continue
To feel my heart break
I will never believe
Loving you was a mistake.

You taught me so much
And showed me true love
You are everything
I have always dreamed of.

I'll always be thankful
For the time we shared
The laughter, the joy
The souls we bared.

I'll never be sorry
For loving you
It was the greatest thing
I will ever do.

I let you down
And I apologize
For letting my obsessions
Ruin our lives.

If I could do it
All over again
I wouldn't allow
My fears to win.

I'd take both hands
And hold on tight.
I would enjoy our love
And know that it was right.

I hoped we could fix this
Start over new
But if not, please know
I always loved you.

-Rs

A stolen Meme

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 06:42:19 GMT

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess. (Will be screened)
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.

1. Maybe you're just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you. No, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? It's cause you wanna be with me too.

2. I'm thinking about getting a Tercel. Yup, that's a Toyota.

3. And this is the best that you - that the government, the *U.S. government* could come up with? I mean, you're NASA for crying out loud, you put a man on the moon, you're geniuses! You're the guys that're thinking shit up! I'm sure you got a team of men sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up and somebody backing them up! You're telling me you don't have a backup plan, that these eight boy scouts right here , that is the world's hope, that's what you're telling me?

4. A building gets torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything — families, friends, feelings — but now I know that sometimes, if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart.

5. Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot!

6. Those of you lucky enough to still have your lives, take them with you! But leave the limbs you have lost; they belong to me now.

7. I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!

8. Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to be alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

9. Look, you stupid bastard! You've got no arms left!

10. What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter?" You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know . . . morons.

Enjoy and good luck!!!!! I don't think anyone can get them all!!!!!!

Damn it

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 04:18:12 GMT

I have finally, after not being able to eat for three days, and crying for three days, come to the conclusion that I love Corey so much that I have no choice but to let him go. He does seem happier, and no matter what that may cost me, that is all I have ever wanted for him. I pray he will be happy. If he reads this: I will always love you until I take my last breath, and because of that, I am letting go.

How do I survive?

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:31:58 GMT

The last 20 hours have been almost impossible. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't stop crying, my eyes are so swollen that I can barely keep them open. I don't now how to just move on. I can't let go. I love him so much. As long as I am busy, I am fine. But when I am alone, and stuck within my own mind, the sadness is too much to bare. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I don't even know if he would care, or want to know when my surgery dates are. I can't message him, I guess I need to learn to deal. But how do I do that when I can't stop crying, when I feel my heart breaking more every moment of the day? Loving him is like breathing.......how do I stop?

When you walk in the rain no one can see you cry.

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:03:27 GMT

Well, Corey and I have agreed to take a break. I hope that it isn't permanent, because through everything I still love him just as much as I always have. We both have some problems that we need to work out, and I was holding onto the hope that we could work it out and be together, but now I just don't know. I know this is hard, and it hurts so very much. I haven't stopped crying yet. But I guess it is easier for guys, or him anyway. He has cut me out of his life, like we never meant anything to each other, and I must admit that hurts more than anything. He took me off his top friends on myspace, added dating to the list of things here for, and deleted every comment I ever sent him. I feel like my heart just broke again. How could he just erase me so fast? Does that mean we never have a chance to get it right? I don't know. Im confused, hurt, still in love, and yet brokenhearted. How am I supposed to get through this?

I guess I better learn fast, because I need to keep my head level. In the next week or two, I will be scheduled for a lung surgery or two. Both of them are fairly easy, but on the one, If they slip, it could cost me, big time. I am a little worried about it. I should hear from the doctor tomorrow to get the actual dates. Maybe while they are in there they can mend my shattered heart.

Stolen Meme

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 07:32:10 GMT

Bold things I've done.
Unbold things I haven't done.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink.
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight.
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favourite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day.
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment.
48. Had two hard drives for your computer.
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke.
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favour of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honour of a woman.
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything.
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Recorded music
111. ???
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night-stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live.
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favourite childhood toy
128. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion, or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of 100mph or faster?
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author whom you missed in school, and read him/ her
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions so far.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197. Been a DJ.
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested

#'s 106, 133, 190, 191 and 197 I have not done, but since I copied and pasted this, I couldn't figure out how to undo the boldness.

if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 19:55:10 GMT

Hello all. It has been a little while since I was last on here, so I thought that I would stop in and leave an update. Right now I have a sinus infection, and it really sucks. It is starting to bother my ears. So.....I called the doctor today and went in to see him. Thankfully my ears are not infected, he said it will just take a little while for them to clear up. He did however give me Nasanex for my sinus and an Advair inhaler so I can breathe. He says my lungs sound perfectly clear, and that the Advair should solve my breathing problem in a week or so. So, all in all it was a good doctor visit. ( If you don't count the part where I had to get on the scale)

Corey and I are doing well. We hit a few bumps every now and then, but we love each other enough that we want to work out our differences. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without him in my life. I would obviously move on if I had to, but I would never be the same. There are no words that can really describe how much I love him. I have never been so happy in my entire life as I have been the last 7 and a half months with him. He is everything to me, and I will always do everything that I can to make sure we stay together. And Corey, if you are reading this ( and I know you are) I love you with all my heart, and I always will. You are my soul mate, my missing half, and the only true love I have ever and will ever have. Don't ever doubt what i feel, and i promise you that I will never doubt it again either. I will love you with every beat of my heart, now and for always.

Ok, so moving on from the sappy crap............................. We are still trying to sell the house, and so far have had no luck. We have looked at a few rental places that we really like, but again, we have to sell the house first. Thankfully though we found a company who has worked with us and stopped the foreclosure. So at least for now we don't have to worry about having the house taken away. I have finished all my Christmas shopping now, and can't wait for Christmas to get here. Mostly cause I can't wait to give Corey his gift!!!!!! But anyhoo................... If I don't get back on here before Christmas, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Insert Witty comment here:

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 00:38:18 GMT

I have been having a rough couple of days. I have a lot on my mind and normally I do pretty well with it all, but the last couple of days the stuff has really gotten to me. My mother and I are still unable to find a way to refinance our house, and about a week or so ago we got a letter of foreclosure notice in the mail. So now we have about a week to get someone to refinance us or else we will have no choice but to sell. Either option is proving to be a huge pain in the ass.

I have no idea how I am gonna do Christmas this year. Especially for my son. After I pay bills I have next to no money left. I am in one of those moods where I honestly don't know why I bother. It seems like the harder we try to get things straight, the worse they get. And it's not just us, its everyone. The economy is in a downward spiral and you have to wonder if the government sees it, or if they even care. If we keep going like this we are gonna turn ourselves into a third world country. I just don't know anymore.

On top of all of that running through my head, I have been missing bossjock967 more than usual lately. I have been doing really well the last month or so, of not missing him so much, or at least not letting my self feel it. But since yesterday I have not been able to bury those feellings. I miss him so badly right now that I can't stand it. And I won't see him until around 2 am tomorrow morning. I just really need him to hold me. That is all I want right now. I want him to wrap his arms around me, hold me, and kiss me until I forget all my worries. But you know what they say : " Wish in one hand.........."
Because of having so much on my mind I didn't sleep until 10 this morning and then I got up around 2. Needless to say the day has been dragging on, and yet I am not really sleepy. Go figure.

Well I don't really have anything more to say, I just needed to vent a little bit. So.................later.

Our love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 21:18:42 GMT

Ok, so my birthday was friday. 29. Just a small step away from the big 3-0. Although, in all retrospect it doesn't bother me that much. After all it is just a number right? So anyway. Corey took me out for my birthday Friday. We went to dinner at Olive Garden, where he had them sing to me. and then we went to the movies to see Saw IV. It was a wonderful evening. I had a great time, and I got to spend that whole day with Corey, who could ask for a better birthday?

Speaking of Corey, he and I were talking on the phone last night, and actually discussing a controversial subject. I love the fact that he and I can discuss things that we disagree on. We listen to each others point and we respond with our own feelings and points. But we never take the "I'm right and you are wrong" road. It was just really cool. Then at some point during our discussion he said something that actually was so sweet and meaningful that it brought a tear to my eye. At that moment I was overwhelmed by the feeling that he and I will be together forever. It wasn't something I just thought to myself, it was kind of like I could feel that it was a fact. I don't really know how to describe it other than to say that I have no doubts anymore that he and I will always be together. A little while back he and I almost broke up. And I can honestly say that was the best thing that could have happened to us. Since then we have been closer than ever, and more open with our communication. Although after that blowout, and some things that were said, I had worry and doubt in the back of my mind that he would leave. I had lost the faith in him that allowed me to believe him when he said he would always fight for us. But in that single instant last night, all that fear and worry and doubt, was completely wiped away. I know with all certainty that he and I will always be together. There is no more doubt in my mind, and there never was any in my heart. He really is my perfect match, and I love him with every fiber of my being.

Anyhoo..........Moving on from the mushy stuff. I am going to my dad's this weekend coming up. I can't wait. It has been quite a while since I have seen my dad, and I miss him. So I am going up Friday night and I will be back some time on Sunday. I am very much looking forward to it. I am taking Daniel with me cause he hasn't seen his Pop-Pop in a while either. I think it is gonna be a really good weekend.

Because of the daylight savings time change I have been running around all morning changing all the clocks. I think I have them all set to the right time now, but who knows? Ok, so I don't have anything else interesting to say really, so I am gonna go. I hope everyone has had a good weekend!!!

Later!!

Rain, rain, go away..............

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 20:12:02 GMT

My plans for this weekend got changed a little bit. Corey was gonna come over Friday and spend some time with me, and I had some ideas for that night, but as it turns out he will be going to his Halloween shift party. Which he really needs to do. I think it will be good for him to hang out with his crew in a stress free environment and have some fun. I mean it's not a big deal really. I will still get to see him Saturday, and we are still going on our double date, so it's all good.

Yesterday morning my son woke up before me ( which almost never happens on a school day) and I guess he was bored because I woke up shortly there after to the sound of " snip, snip". That's right folks, my son decided that I needed to have my hair cut. Thankfully for him, it isn't really noticeable unless I tell you where to look. But I was still incredibly pissed at him. Needless to say he is grounded til he's 20!!

Today is a very rainy dreary day, and boy do I wish I could have stayed in bed. I think there should be a law that states people don't have to get out of bed on a rainy day. But I hauled my ass up early this morning anyway because I had stuff that I had to do. Although now, I wish I had just rolled over and gone back to sleep.

Mom and I found a guy that may actually be able to do a refinance on the house for us, so we have been gathering the papers that he needs so we can fax them to him. I actually still have to write a letter to him showing how and why we got into such a tight situation. I will do that in a few minutes. I just can't seem to get the letter flowing in my head yet. Once the ideas start to kick in I should be able to sit down and pound out a letter on here with no problems. I think my muse is asleep though.

Well there really isn't much else to say right now. I think I am just procrastinating over cleaning up the house, which is next on my to do list. put I have put it off long enough, so I think I will get my ass up and do something constructive. Whether I want to or not!!!!

Later.

I have not yet begun to defile myself!

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 02:17:04 GMT

Ok, so it has been two weeks since I posted here. Not a lot going on really. My son did have a field trip today. I went along. It was to a farm. It turned out to be a lot of fun. They had a corn maze, hay bale maze, games, and all kinds of neat stuff to do. Of course they had all kinds of animals that the kids got to pet. All the kids got a pony ride as well. It turned out to be a really nice day. The sun was bright, but there was a good breeze blowing. Daniel had a really good time and that is what counts.
I babysat for a friend of mines kids Saturday night. I spent the night and then hung out with my friend most of the day Sunday. I had a good time just hanging out and cutting up. It was good to just be silly and have fun with one of my girls. This weekend coming up Corey and I are going out with a mutual friend and her husband. I am really looking forward to that. The four of us are going out to listen to a good band and just have a good time. I was supposed to be spending the whole weekend with Corey, but my ex backed out of having our son for the weekend, so........ Corey and I have to make due with what we can get. We will get a weekend together sometime. We just need to be patient.
Corey and I have been doing really well. I think we are communicating a lot better, and it makes our time together that much more enjoyable. I want us to stay together. I am trying really hard to change so that we can stay together. Sometimes I think I am doing really well with it, and other times I feel like Im not changing enough. I dunno. I am not gonna let myself get stressed out about it though because I know that I am doing the best that I can. I know he loves me and that he knows it will take time. I also know that he knows I am trying and that he will be patient with me.
The last couple of days though I have felt like he has been a little off. I know that he is not sleeping well, and I hope that is all that it is. I've asked him about it and he says that nothing is wrong. It just seems like the last couple of days he hasn't been that interested in talking to me. I do think that it is because he is not sleeping and not because of me. I think that after all we just went through that if I had done something to upset him he would tell me. I am trying to give him his space and not bug him about it. If there is something on his mind I am sure he will talk to me when he is ready. After all we finally got back to the way we used to be. Talking about anything and everything with each other. I love being able to talk to him about anything. I am so happy that we got back to that. So maybe my radar is just off and he is just over tired. In a couple of days he starts a stretch of 10 days off. I am hoping that he will get some rest in that time off. And I am gonna give him all the space he needs. I don't want him stressed out about us during his time off. I know I will get to spend time with him, but I think that I am realizing that he also needs some time to himself right now. I hope he knows that I love him and I am willing to give him that time. He means everything in the world to me and lately it just seems like things are really getting to him. I hate seeing him like this and knowing that there is nothing that I can do about it.
Ok, so that is enough of that rant. I feel better though. I am learning to handle hanging out by myself again. I did it long before Corey and I started dating, so there is no reason I can't do it now too. Im trying to take time and get back to reading more, crocheting and enjoying my computer games. It's been fun.
Well I think I have bored everyone enough for one evening. I will try not to let it go so long before my next entry. Have a good night all!

It's not who you love, It's how.

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 07:17:34 GMT

I realized that I haven't been on here in a couple of weeks, so I thought that I would up date everyone on what is going on in my world. bossjock967 and I had some problems earlier this week. Some underlying issues finally surfaced and caused a lot of chaos between us. I really don't ever want to think about what was said, but we almost called it quits. Thankfully we love each other enough and want to be with each other enough that we are willing to work it out. I was really worried for awhile there, I have never been so scared in my life. Because I came so very close to losing him, I realized just how very much I love him, and that I would be nothing without him. I finally could see our relationship through his eyes, and I realized that if I didn't loosen my grip on him, I would lose him. That was not, is not, what I want. I am trying to give him his space when he needs it. I know how much he loves me, and I know that he knows how much I miss him. I need to stop constantly needing to hear it from him. I know it, I feel it and I see it every time i look at him. It finally hit me that I don't want to be the kind of person that is clingy and needy. I never used to be like that and I sure don't want to start now. We both have some things to work on but the point is, that we want to work on it. I have never felt such pain as I felt when I thought we were going to break up. It was absolutely the worst feeling in the world and I never want to feel like that again in my entire life. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do to be with Corey. But clinging to him and suffocating him is not a good thing. I learned some things about myself and i remembered some things about myself that I had long forgotten. I don't need Corey to have a life, or to be happy, but i want him. I want him in my life. I want to enjoy the times we share now and not worry about what may or may not come later down the road. I have finally learned to live in the moment!!! Carpe Diem!
So to make a long story short....... Corey and I are doing great now. We went out on Friday and had a wonderful time. We have been dating for almost 6 months and it seemed like lately we had been fighting and nit picking over some really petty stuff. So much so that we had forgotten why we enjoyed being with each other in the first place. We had forgotten how great of friends we are, and how much we enjoy making each other laugh. We overlooked the connection that we have always shared and we stopped having fun. Well on Friday we got all of that back. I mean, I know that we still have to work on things, but at least now I know that we can do it. We laughed and played around and had a great night together. I missed that, and now that we have remembered it and found it again, I am not going to let it slip away again. Corey is the love of my life. I know that we are meant to be together, that has never changed. But now i also know that we can make this work. We just have to communicate with one another and be open and honest about how we feel. I know that if we do that, we won't have anything to worry about. The bottom line to finding and keeping a wonderful relationship is honesty, communication, compromise, friendship and trust. All of those things are important and keep a relationship balanced. With that, love comes naturally. What can I say, I have my soul mate, and I couldn't be happier.

Friday after I left Corey's I went to my friend Jen's where my son was while I was out. He was already asleep, so we both just stayed the night there. Jen and I ended up staying up until 4 watching a movie on Youtube. It was a lot of fun. Then I spent the entire day there with her. Daniel had her kids to play with and she and I got to hang out and just have fun. I have church in the morning and I don't know what else I will be doing after that. But all in all I have had a really great weekend. I really needed this weekend on so many levels. I needed that night with Corey, kinda kicking off our new aspect of our relationship, and I realized that I really needed the time with Jen too. Just to hang out with one of my girlfriends and cut loose. I feel great and I am so happy. Corey will be staying the night next friday. We are gonna go to the Dover mall to the Halloween store and look for costumes for his work party.Then Saturday he is going with me to my family reunion. I think that it is going to be a lot of fun and i can't wait.
I guess there really isn't too much more to say right now. But I will try to update this a little more often and let everyone know how things are going. I hope everyone is well. Night.

Sleep.......What is Sleep?

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 09:33:21 GMT

I know that I normally don't sleep a lot anyway, but the last two days it has been absolutely ridiculous. I have tried to sleep, but it just isn't working for me. I just lay here and toss and turn until finally I get up and do something. Last night I was up until 8 am before I finally drifted off, and tonight it is already 5am and I am nowhere near sleepy. I am wide awake and bored to no end. I know that I could always talk to my doctor and get some kind of sleep aid, but with all the other pills and stuff that I have to take, I don't want to add to it, and I don't want to become dependent on something to help me sleep. Although, if this continues like this, I may have no other choice. I can't keep being up until the sun comes up.Once in awhile is one thing but the last couple of nights I just can't seem to get sleepy. And the couple of nights before that when I did sleep it wasn't very good. I kept waking up every couple of hours and I just wasn't resting. Oh well.........I dunno.

Not sleeping has some advantages, I have a lot of quiet time, and a lot of time to catch up on tv that I want to watch. I also have a lot of free time to think. Which isn't always a good thing. I have been thinking about Corey a lot lately. I have been thinking about how we are together and how happy he makes me. I have been thinking about some of the talks that we have had and I love the way that he is always willing to talk about things. It is important for people to talk things out and I really like the fact that he is willing to do that. I have never been this happy in my life, and I like thinking about where things can go between the two of us. I am curious to see what will happen between us. The last four and a half months have been fabulous and I am looking forward to many, many more. It will be great when he gets his apartment and I can stay over with him. I think that will be really cool. It will be great for it to be just the two of us. I do look forward to that.

I have also been informed that there is a halloween party that Corey would like me to attend with him on the 19th of October. Costumes required of course!! It actually sounds like a lot of fun. I told him that I will see what I can do. It's a Friday so I will have to see if Shawn will take Daniel that night cause I really want to go. After all, other than taking Daniel trick or treating, I don't really get to do much for that holiday anymore. So I am looking forward to that party. Of course I have no idea what I am going to be, but I have about a month to figure it out.

Not much else has really been going on. I try to spend time with Corey when I can. I went last night and hung out with my friend Stephanie for awhile. That was a lot of fun. I haven't really been out in ages, but I never have the money to go anywhere. Oh well. Not really a big loss I suppose. I have been trying to spend more time doing things with Daniel. We play games together and watch his movies together. He is getting to be so big now. I can hardly believe that he is in Kindergarten already. He will be in high school before I know it. Well, at least it seems that way!! I guess there isn't much to really update on, so I better get off here for now. Maybe if I get lucky I will be asleep before the sunrises......................but I seriously doubt it!

Later!

Charmed - Season Three: Magic Hour

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 06:52:22 GMT

I know there are plenty of people out there who have never seen the show Charmed, but let me say that it was the best series ever!!!!! I have just recently purchased Seasons 1-7 of the series Charmed. It is my favorite. I haven't been able to talk Corey into watching it yet, but I am still hopeful. Although I am sure that is a lost cause! LOL. Anyhoo......... for those of you that have seen the series I am sure that you remember the love between Piper and Leo. I mean, their love was inspirational, and impossible to forget. I remember when I first started watching this series, how I wished for a love like theirs. How I thought that a love like theirs was only something that you would find on tv and in books. Well I have been re-watching the series since my DVD's came in, and I have realized something. The love that those two share does exist, and I have found it with Corey. Anyone actually interested in seeing where this comparative rant will go can feel free to click on the link below.

So anyway, as I have been watching these episodes over again, and watching the love begin and grow between Piper and Leo, I see Corey and myself in everything. I really believe that Corey and I are meant to be together. I know that I sound a little odd, but bear with me here for a second. If you have seen the series then you will know what i mean. I know that it is a show and that the characters are not real, but how can anyone watch it and not believe in that kind of love? The things that they say to each other and the way they look at each other just makes me think of me and Corey. I never knew what true love was until i got the opportunity to see it in Corey's eyes. He means everything in the world to me, and I can see that he feels the same every time that I look at him. I have always wanted to know what it would be like to be loved like that, and now that I have Corey again, I finally know what that is like. But the main thing that inspired me to write this tonight was watching the third season of Charmed, episode Magic Hour. It talked a lot about how even people that know they are meant to be together and that love each other so much, can still have doubts. Doubts are natural, and don't mean that you don't have faith in one another, or that you don't want to be together, it just means that you are human. Love is work, and it is a tricky thing. There is no guarantee to love, and there isn't supposed to be. It is a leap of faith. Sometimes it may seem hard, but isn't it said that anything worth having is worth fighting for? I have a friend that sometimes worries whether or not her marriage will make it. Not because they are having any trouble, but just because so many fail. It is a risk to get married. Perhaps the biggest one that anyone will ever take, and unfortunately there are people out there that say the risk isn't worth it. The risk of heart break, or divorce. But my question is, what about the love? I mean if you don't take risks for love, what do you take risks for? I guess I am just swept up in the romance, and the love. I have never been this happy in my life and I know that no matter what Corey and I will make it. We are meant to. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise. Sure there are doubts, because no matter how in love you are, sometimes things just happen, but I am willing to take that risk. I am willing to risk it all for him because I have faith in us and in our love for one another. We have always loved each other and I know deep down in my heart, that we always will. So enough babbling and analyzation of tv shows. Thanks for bearing with me, and now I shall return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

We have had a couple of really strong thunderstorms here tonight. They were kinda cool. Rolling thunder and lightening so bright that it illuminates the entire house. I sure am glad that Daniel was already asleep and stayed asleep through the whole thing. Our second thunderstorm just finished up a few minutes ago.
I have just been hanging out in my room tonight watching tv and missing Corey. I can not wait until tomorrow night. Corey will be here around midnight. I can't wait to see him. I don't know why, but I have been really missing him here lately. Actually i think it is because I have been emotionally off all week. Well the good news to that is that my medicine will be ready tomorrow and thankfully my insurance will pay for the whole thing. Yay me!!! Personally I don't know how Corey has put up with my crying fits all week. I am glad that he does love me enough to be willing to work with me through my moods. It makes me feel so good to know that he loves me enough to have patience with me and to stand by me even when I am a mess. What would I ever do without him in my life? Thankfully I have enough faith in our love to believe that I will never have to know the answer to that question.

Hope everyone has a good night. For now.....................that is all.