Welcome To My Point of View

So , it has been a while since I have been on here. A lot has beengoing on. I have joined myyearbook and met a lot of new cool people.Some have become friends I talk to on a daily basis. One of which is aguy that has become very special to me. We started talking just asfriends because we have a lot of things in common. But about two weeksago, our conversations were getting more frequent and longer everytime. Then we swapped numbers so that we could text each other. We textall day every day. He calls me in the afternoon and usually we IM atnight. I am starting to really have feelings for him, and after a deepconvo we had a week ago, I know that he is feeling the same. Theproblem?????
He doesn't live around here. He is a good bit away. But we have fallenfor each other and there is nothing I can do about that. I like him,alot. I don't want to be hurt again, and so I am being cautious, butwhen you fall for someone, what can you do?

In other news, I go for my cat scan Monday. From there they will inputthe data into the cyberknife machine, and we will start getting set upto do the cyber knife.After that we will go back and try again on thetumor by my heart. So I will keep you posted on how all that goes.

Special message for aaroads I am going for a partial overnight stay at Waverly Hills Sanitarium in Ky. Im going Aug. 15th. Yay!!!!




That is all.

Ok, so I went in for my surgery today. They were placing gold balls around one tumor so that it can be treated later by laser radiation, and they were going to go in and burn off another one. Well they went in and place the balls, and that went fine. Then they went in to use the special tool to burn off the other one, only when they went in and opened the tool, it punctured a blood vessel and caused me to hemorrhage. So they fixed that and decided to try again in a month. There just wasn't a good visual for them after all the blood, so they prefer to wait. So, I get to do it again in about a month. Yay. (heavy on the sarcasam)

I want to thank everyone though for their kind words and their prayers. It was greatly appreciated and helped me to get through today. It also helped me to see that I will be fine when they go back to try again. Thank you all for supporting me and lifting me up when I needed it most.

Well, only two days to go. I am still a little anxious about this upcoming surgery, but I am getting plenty of support from my friends.Even Corey messaged me to say that he was thinking of me and that he was sure it was going to be fine. That was really nice of him. I totally didn't expect that. Im not reading anything into it, cause what would be the point. I still have days like yesterday where I spent the whole night crying. Though they aren't everyday like they used to be.Last night I was reading through some of my poetry and that just made it worse. I even found one I wrote about him when he was still dating my friend back in high school. I will add that here shortly. I am trying to get my heart to understand that it is over between us and that it will stay that way. I think that perhaps after being single for soooo long, maybe he just wasn't ready to share his life with someone.Or perhaps it was too much for him to accept knowing that if he stayed with me he would never have kids of his own. I don't really know. I think that is what bothers me the most is not knowing exactly why he wants it to be permanent. I mean after the letters he wrote me and the things he said, and the journal entries that he posted, I don't understand how he could go from feeling that he wouldn't want to live his life without me, and thinking that I was the only person he has ever truly loved, to deciding that he didn't want to be with me anymore. It's the not knowing that wont let me move on. That and I still love him with everything inside of me. Anyway, here is a cut to that poem if anyone is interested.


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So there it is. A poem about Corey from about 12 years ago. I came across it in my poetry book. Didn't realize it was in there. So I'm gonna go relax for awhile before my friends and I go out tonight. Just can't wait to cut loose and have fun and not worry about Monday. Have a good weekend everyone.

My Loss
 

The loss of you Is tearing me apart Ripping at the pieces Of my broken heart. I put on a front And try not to show The pain that still hurts Blow by blow. I can't just stop Loving you It will never be Something I can do. Such hurt and pain That won't depart Like millions of knives Carving up my heart. It's the little things That start my tears And bring to life My greatest fears. What if you don't Change your mind Has another chance Already been declined? How can you move on So easily Just wipe your hands And be rid of me? Some days I think My heart wont heal Or that this nightmare Can't be real. But it's really over There's nothing I can do Except sit here crying Hopelessly in love with you. -Rs

You would think that things would start to get easier by now, but they aren't. Im still sitting around crying my eyes out. When will it stop. When will my heart stop breaking? When will I stop missing him, his voice, his eyes, his touch? I feel like it will never get better. I can't let go. I don't know how. Im still in love with him so much it hurts. With surgery coming up, I wish he was here just to hold me and let me cry about it, and tell me it will all be ok. Will I ever stop wanting him? Will I ever be able to move on? I know I will never stop loving him, but will it ever stop hurting? I don't even have one last thing to remember him by. His gift to me for valentines day hadnt come in on time, and then like 5 days later we broke up. It would have been nice to have that from him. One last thing to remind me that he did love me. I know he did, I could see it in his eyes. I just wonder where it went. Where the urge to fight for us went. Where I stopped being worth the fight. I guess I will never know. And I will always love him. I just wish the tears would stop. Oh well. Monday will be here soon, and I guess I will go from  there. I just don't know how.
Im sitting here listening to my playlist off of myspace, and I cant seem to stop the tears from running down my face. I miss him so much. I can't believe my heart still hurts this bad. I don't wanna go on with out him. When I told him that I couldn't imagine my life without him, I meant it. I dread getting up every morning, and I can't wait til it is time to crawl back into bed. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, and I know that I will never love anyone else. He was it for me. I still believe he is my soul mate, and without him I am empty. Incomplete. And broken.

It has been a long day today. Lots of packing and hauling shit. Moving boxes, carrying boxes, and emptying boxes.  And it doesn't look like we have hardly packed a thing. There is way to much crap in this house!!! We got a lot of people coming tomorrow to help us move out all the furniture. We are getting a moving truck in the morning. So by the end of the weekend we will be living in our new house. Im kinda excited and very exhausted. Plus, besides the joy of moving, I have one week before surgery. I have to go Monday and get my pre-op blood work done. Joy. After tomorrow I won't have internet until the 6th. I am gonna go crazy!!!! No internet. What will I do? Guess I better log in some time tonight in between packing boxes. Whelp, that is it for my break, time to get back to work. Later.

So, I got the call today. My surgery is scheduled for the 10th of March. Yeah, I know, that is really close. In the six years that I have been dealing with all of this I have never really been scared. Well Im scared now. I know it is a small percentage chance that I will die in this procedure, but if you look at my track record with this illness I have been in the small percentages of everything. If there was a minimal chance that something could happen with this particular type of tumor, it did. So, yeah, based on that track record, im scared. Guess there really isn't anything I can do about it though except  pray for the best.

I will be having surgery soon to try and destroy a couple of the larger tumors that are in my lungs. One of the procedures is fairly simple and I will be meeting with the doctor tomorrow to discuss it. The other procedure is not a simple as I thought it would be. I met with that doctor today. He explained the procedure and the possibilities of complications, none of which aren't fixable. Like it is more than likely that they will collapse my lung in the process, but in that case they insert a chest tube and re inflate it. But the procedure that he is doing will actually burn away the tumor at a very intense heat, the problem: that tumor is sitting almost up against my heart. If they burn any piece of my heart at all, it can kill me. Not really the news I was expecting to hear. The chance of that isn't real high, but he did say that the distance between my heart and the tumor is closer than he has had to deal with before, so it is a real possibility. Guess I can't catch a break. Anyway, he will be calling in the next day or two to tell me when the surgery will  be. I will keep you posted.


That is all.

As you know, it has been about a week since Corey and I took a break. I am still not dealing with it very well. It's hard to when you love someone as much as I love him. I feel like I have lost a part of me. I just feel so.......empty .... right now. I don't know  how to get through this. Or if I can.I think it would be different if Corey and I didn't still love each other so damn much, but we do. Sometimes though, it doesn't matter how much you love someone, things just get off track. I have now been informed that it is a permanent decision, and I am learning how to deal with that. Learning how to try and pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. I don't know if I can. Songs are really getting to me too. Sad ones that I have added to my playlist, and others that make me remember the way things were. I still hurt so badly that sometimes I just wanna crawl in bed and pull the covers up over my head, but alas, I can't do that. I have to get up and try to function. Basically, get up, survive, go to bed. I don't know when my heart will stop breaking, and I  seriously doubt it ever will. I love him with everything that I am, and all that I will ever be, but it just wasn't enough. There are things about me that are just my personality, and I can't change them. No matter how hard I try, or how much I want to. I was holding onto the hope that he will one day want to try and be together again, but we did talk a little the other night, and I know that that will not happen. So somehow I have to find a way to let go of that hope and to try and move forward with my life. Corey  will always be locked in my heart and I know that I will love him forever. The question is not how do I get over him, because I never will, but rather, how do I survive him?

Well, my girls drug me out last night so I would stop moping around. I am so glad they did. We had an awesome time. Hell, the ride up to Annapolis was hysterical. lol. It had been awhile since I had been out to the bars, and I love listening to The Guthrie Matthews Method play. Guthrie was getting over a cold last night, but still sounded awesome. Jennifer and Heidi and I rode up together, and met up with Jeni and Katie. We had fun drinking and dancing and making fun of all the drunk men. lol. I got a little drunk in the beginning, but after eating I sobered up some. We had these guys that kept hitting on us that were like 50. Finally Jeni told the one guy to Shoo. I LMAO. Then towards the end of the night, I met this guy. His name is CJ. He is really sweet. We talked and danced the rest of the night. We swapped numbers before we left, and I ended up talking to him for most of my ride home and then until 4 in the morning. He called me this afternoon and he is gonna call again later tonight. I like him, and I am looking forward to getting to know him better. So that is all that's new. Later!!

I have met a guy via myspace, and he seems really nice. He has made it obvious that he is interested, and I have told him I just became single, so Im not looking in that direction yet. The cool thing is that he understands and is ok with just chatting with me and getting to know each other. We have been talking for 2 days, and he is nice. I think he could be a good friend. I don't know that I will be ready to start another relationship anytime soon, but he is patient and understands that I need time. I will be sure to keep you posted and let you know how everything goes.

My trip to Sinai got postponed cause of the snow and my son not having school. But no biggie. This first appt. is just to meet and discuss the procedures, and set up dates to begin. So I will be going in the first week of March. Hopefully that will also give me enough time to get moved and start unpacking before I am too sore to do it.

So that is all that is new right now. But Im sure I will be back soon!!!

I use my poetry to get through things, or to express things I can't say any other way. So knowing now that it must be over, I ask that Corey will please read these last words dedicated to him.




MY FAULT

My eyes have cried
For three days straight
Red, puffy, and swollen
Is my new common trait.

Even as I continue
To feel my heart break
I will never believe
Loving you was a mistake.

You taught me so much
And showed me true love
You are everything
I have always dreamed of.

I'll always be thankful
For the time we shared
The laughter, the joy
The souls we bared.

I'll never be sorry
For loving you
It was the greatest thing
I will ever do.

I let you down
And I apologize
For letting my obsessions
Ruin our lives.

If I could do it
All over again
I wouldn't allow
My fears to win.

I'd take both hands
And hold on tight.
I would enjoy our love
And know that it was right.

I hoped we could fix this
Start over new
But if not, please know
I always loved you.


-Rs

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess. (Will be screened)
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.



1. Maybe you're just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you. No, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? It's cause you wanna be with me too.

2. I'm thinking about getting a Tercel. Yup, that's a Toyota.

3. And this is the best that you - that the government, the *U.S. government* could come up with? I mean, you're NASA for crying out loud, you put a man on the moon, you're geniuses! You're the guys that're thinking shit up! I'm sure you got a team of men sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up and somebody backing them up! You're telling me you don't have a backup plan, that these eight boy scouts right here , that is the world's hope, that's what you're telling me?

4. A building gets torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything — families, friends, feelings — but now I know that sometimes, if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart.

5. Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot!

6. Those of you lucky enough to still have your lives, take them with you! But leave the limbs you have lost; they belong to me now.

7. I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!

8. Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to be alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

9. Look, you stupid bastard! You've got no arms left!

10. What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter?" You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know . . . morons.






Enjoy and good luck!!!!! I don't think anyone can get them all!!!!!!

I have finally, after not being able to eat for three days, and crying for three days, come to the conclusion that I love Corey so much that I have no choice but to let him go. He does seem happier, and no matter what that may cost me, that is all I have ever wanted for him. I pray he will be happy. If he reads this: I will always love you until I take my last breath, and because of that, I am letting go.

The last 20 hours have been almost impossible. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't stop crying, my eyes are so swollen that I can barely keep them open. I don't now how to just move on. I can't let go. I love him so  much. As long as I am busy, I am fine. But when I am alone, and stuck within my own mind, the sadness is too much to bare. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I don't even know if he would care, or want to know when my surgery dates are. I can't message him, I guess I need to learn to deal. But how do I do that when I can't stop crying, when I feel my heart breaking more every moment of the day? Loving him is like breathing.......how do I stop?

Well, Corey and I have agreed to take a break. I hope that it isn't permanent, because through everything I still love him just as much as I always have. We both have some problems that we need to work out, and I was holding onto the hope that we could work it out and be together, but now I just don't know. I know this is hard, and it hurts so very much. I haven't stopped crying yet. But I guess it is easier for guys, or him anyway. He has cut me out of his life, like we never meant anything to each other, and I must admit that hurts more than anything. He took me off his top friends on myspace, added dating to the list of things here for, and deleted every comment I ever sent him. I feel like my heart just broke again. How could he just erase me so fast? Does that mean we never have a chance to get it right? I don't know. Im confused, hurt, still in love, and yet brokenhearted. How am I supposed to get through this?

I guess I better learn fast, because I need to keep my head level. In the next week or two, I will be scheduled for a lung surgery or two. Both of them are fairly easy, but on the one, If they slip, it could cost me, big time. I am a little worried about it. I should hear from the doctor tomorrow to get the actual dates. Maybe while they are in there they can mend my shattered heart.

( 200 Things I have (have not) done )


#'s 106, 133, 190, 191 and 197 I have not done, but since I copied and pasted this, I couldn't figure out how to undo the boldness.

Hello all. It has been a little while since I was last on here, so I thought that I would stop in and leave an update. Right now I have a sinus infection, and it really sucks. It is starting to bother my ears. So.....I called the doctor today and went in to see him. Thankfully my ears are not infected, he said it will just take a little while for them to clear up. He did however give me Nasanex for my sinus and an Advair inhaler so I can breathe. He says my lungs sound perfectly clear, and that the Advair should solve my breathing problem in a week or so. So, all in all it was a good doctor visit. ( If you don't count the part where I had to get on the scale)


Corey and I are doing well. We hit a few bumps every now and then, but we love each other enough that we want to work out our differences. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without him in my life. I would obviously move on if I had to, but I would never be the same. There are no words that can really describe how much I love him. I have never been so happy in my entire life as I have been the last 7 and a half months with him. He is everything to me, and I will always do everything that I can to make sure we stay together. And Corey, if you are reading this ( and I know you are) I love you with all my heart, and I always will. You are my soul mate, my missing half, and the only true love I have ever and will ever have. Don't ever doubt what i feel, and i promise you that I will never doubt it again either. I will love you with every beat of my heart, now and for always.


Ok, so moving on from the sappy crap............................. We are still trying to sell the house, and so far have had no luck. We have looked at a few rental places that we really like, but again, we have to sell the house first. Thankfully though we found a company who has worked with us and stopped the foreclosure. So at least for now we don't have to worry about having the house taken away. I have finished all my Christmas shopping now, and can't wait for Christmas to get here. Mostly cause I can't wait to give Corey his gift!!!!!! But anyhoo................... If I don't get back on here before Christmas, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

I have been having a rough couple of days. I have a lot on my mind and normally I do pretty well with it all, but the last couple of days the stuff has really gotten to me. My mother and I are still unable to find a way to refinance our house, and about a week or so ago we got a letter of foreclosure notice in the mail. So now we have about a week to get someone to refinance us or else we will have no choice but to sell. Either option is proving to be a huge pain in the ass.

I have no idea how I am gonna do Christmas this year. Especially for my son. After I pay bills I have next to no money left. I am in one of those moods where I honestly don't know why I bother. It seems like the harder we try to get things straight, the worse they get. And it's not just us, its everyone. The economy is in a downward spiral and you have to wonder if the government sees it, or if they even care. If we keep going like this we are gonna turn ourselves into a third world country. I just don't know anymore.

On top of all of that running through my head, I have been missing bossjock967 more than usual lately. I have been doing really well the last month or so, of not missing him so much, or at least not letting my self feel it. But since yesterday I have not been able to bury those feellings. I miss him so badly right now that I can't stand it. And I won't see him until around 2 am tomorrow morning. I just really need him to hold me. That is all I want right now. I want him to wrap his arms around me, hold me, and kiss me until I forget all my worries. But you know what they say : " Wish in one hand.........."
Because of having so much on my mind I didn't sleep until 10 this morning and then I got up around 2. Needless to say the day has been dragging on, and yet I am not really sleepy. Go figure.

Well I don't really have anything more to say, I just needed to vent a little bit. So.................later.

Ok, so my birthday was friday. 29. Just a small step away from the big 3-0. Although, in all retrospect it doesn't bother me that much. After all it is just a number right? So anyway. Corey took me out for my birthday Friday. We went to dinner at Olive Garden, where he had them sing to me. and then we went to the movies to see Saw IV. It was a wonderful evening. I had a great time, and I got to spend that whole day with Corey, who could ask for a better birthday?

Speaking of Corey, he and I were talking on the phone last night, and actually discussing a controversial subject. I love the fact that he and I can discuss things that we disagree on. We listen to each others point and we respond with our own feelings and points. But we never take the "I'm right and you are wrong" road. It was just really cool. Then at some point during our discussion he said something that actually was so sweet and meaningful that it brought a tear to my eye. At that moment I was overwhelmed by the feeling that he and I will be together forever. It wasn't something I just thought to myself, it was kind of like I could feel that it was a fact. I don't really know how to describe it other than to say that I have no doubts anymore that he and I will always be together. A little while back he and I almost broke up. And I can honestly say that was the best thing that could have happened to us. Since then we have been closer than ever, and more open with our communication. Although after that blowout, and some things that were said, I had worry and doubt in the back of my mind that he would leave. I had lost the faith in him that allowed me to believe him when he said he would always fight for us. But in that single instant last night, all that fear and worry and doubt, was completely wiped away. I know with all certainty that he and I will always be together. There is no more doubt in my mind, and there never was any in my heart. He really is my perfect match, and I love him with every fiber of my being.

Anyhoo..........Moving on from the mushy stuff. I am going to my dad's this weekend coming up. I can't wait. It has been quite a while since I have seen my dad, and I miss him. So I am going up Friday night and I will be back some time on Sunday. I am very much looking forward to it. I am taking Daniel with me cause he hasn't seen his Pop-Pop in a while either. I think it is gonna be a really good weekend.

Because of the daylight savings time change I have been running around all morning changing all the clocks. I think I have them all set to the right time now, but who knows? Ok, so I don't have anything else interesting to say really, so I am gonna go. I hope everyone has had a good weekend!!!

Later!!